I See Dead People

It really doesn't take long to get your feet wet in this industry. I haven't been stripping for very long and I've already had all kinds of weirdos with the most off the wall requests. I've had foot lickers, arm pit sniffers, butt sniffers, pantie buyers, biters, hair pullers you name it. It takes a lot to shock me and even more to make me uncomfortable enough not to fuck with you. With the exception of the guy who told me he paid a woman to castrate him, and then proved it to me (I don't need to go in to how) I've been able to handle it all.... until yesterday. 

I was on stage when I noticed a friendly looking attractive man sitting by himself dressed in a suit and tie. He motioned me over once I stepped off stage and bought me a glass of champagne. After some small talk he ordered a glass of ice. He asked me to hold the glass with both hands. I picked up the glass and asked him if he wanted a dance from me. He took a hundred dollar bill from his wallet.

"I'll pay you a hundred dollars to sit with me for ten minutes in the bubble lounge and pretend that you're dead. Don't move, try not to breath, and keep holding that glass of ice until right before we start our time."

Sure, why not? I figured it would be the easiest dance I'd give all day. However, you get what you pay for and he proved himself bat shit crazy by the time our ten minutes was up. 

"Do you have hair extensions?" He asked right before we started. By now my hands were starting to become numb and ache with cold.

"Yes."

"Is it real human hair?"

"Yes."

"Oh wow." he started to play with my hair his excitement inherently obvious. "You know where they get the hair?" he asked, his voice shaking with arousal."

"No, where?"

"Corpses... cadavers. This is probably some beautiful dead Indian woman's hair."

 

That did it. I set down the glass quickly signally the time was now starting. The entire session he played with my arms and legs, arranging them in different poses I thought about the hundred and tried not to think about where the extensions on my head really came from. 

Gross.

From Ball Parks To Small Penises

This is a shout out to the mother fucker that ripped me off last Thursday. This burly little Asian guy came into the club after a Giants game wearing a button down Giants shirt and he was drunk. I recognized him or, more accurately, he recognized me. He called me over and as I sat down with him I noticed he looked familiar. He used to come into the club twice a week when I was cocktailing. All the girls know him and his friends. He reminded me that he promised to buy a dance from me if I made my audition. I asked where he wanted the dance and he grabbed my hand and led me up to our VIP area upstairs. He's a regular so no need to get the money upfront.

That sneaky fucking bastard! After the required three dances he said he needed to go to the bathroom. Even though he took the longest fucking time I didn't let him out of my sight. When he came out he side stepped me saying he needed to go to the ATM which is by our front door. I followed him hurriedly and when he tried to open the front door I grabbed his arm. He shook me off and ran outside. I attempted to run after him but our door man grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back in as I swung my tip box in vain at the now running cheap bastard's head. Mind you I was in six inch plastic heals, a thong and a bra. My manager said there's nothing they can do. No matter who it is always get the money up front. Even if the bouncers did manage to catch the guy before he ran out the door what can they do to him? The customer can just say I was lying and that he already paid me. Shaking him down for the money is extortion. Towering over him menacingly until he pays me is totally legal but unless he actually assaults me the bouncers can't rough him up. Lame! Fucking Lame!!!

The insult to injury is that he's in the club all the time. My manager said if I see him again to let management know and they'll tell him he's not aloud back in until he pays me. Pretty much to just pay me or leave. I told all the girls who know him. When I see him again he's getting a swift kick in the balls before I even bother with management.

Dressing Room Drama

Yesterday was the strangest day yet at the strip club and is partly what prompted me to start this blog in the first place. The rest of the impulse is a direct result of the fact I now know I'm not aloud to write about the club. A woman from the club was fired three days ago after our General Manager who religiously googles our club's name and location  discovered her dominatrix website which made reference to the club. Uncermoniously she was told to come to the club on her day off and clear out her locker. She explained  what had happened while shoving shoes and outfits into her carry-all her face void of any emotion.

After Diablo Cody's big hit with her memoir (and once daily blog) CANDY GIRL "A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper" and her even bigger Academy Award winning screenplay JUNO stripper blogs have been popping up on the internet like U.S. military bases in the Middle East. Two of my personal favorites being River City Kitty and Hobo Stripper. Both are thought provoking and racy reads. 

I've been at this club for three weeks and already four girls have been fired. That's not including the ones who have auditioned, worked one day and asked to leave. I witnessed one girl from Atlanta, GA get tossed after she took her top off during a lap dance. She was too intoxicated to remember the rules. Dancers have to have an inch wide thong and bra on at all times. Our breasts are only revealed on stage for one full song and always the last song of the set. Even then our breasts can only remain bare between the pole and the back wall. If we step in front of the pole we have to be within reaching distance of it at all times. When a customer wants to tip from the tip rail (meaning the front of the stage, there isn't an actual rail at our club) we have to cover our breasts before we approach them. To be frank it's a pain in the ass. Men from Georgia, Texas and Washigton are astounded at how prudent we are in the most liberal city in California. No clothes no booze. If the guys are that hard up to have tits in their face and stare at some twenty-one year old brazilian waxed poonany they have to give up their $8 beer and  go sip on a $12 sprite at the clubs on Broadway. Not that I'm judgmental in anyway mind you. To me there's little difference between giving an all nude air dance to grinding on a dude's hard-on fully clothed for three minutes.

These last three days I've been at the club the same dancer, we'll refer to her as boney, has been napalming my love jungle. She has worked at the club for a few years and is a great hustler. The problem is she deems every guy she has ever danced with as her regular if they approach me or I them. I'm the new girl and it's been pitifully slow this week. I'll be in the middle of a conversation, chatting up a customer for ten minutes and she'll run up screaming and jump in his lap while he winces in pain, his eardrums rattling from her super sonic mating call while her boney ass slams into his crotch. She's a problem because 1. She's always drunk 2. She talks shit and can't remember the next day. Already there has been more than one instance of her cursing me one evening and greeting me sweetly the next day. I couldn't take it anymore and yesterday after she pulled the squealing into my customers lap move I did it right back to her. I waited for her to sit down with some one and I hoped right into the man's lap shoving by breasts high (mine are big only in comparison, she's a member of the itty bitty titty committee) into his face. 

"Hey stranger! It's been weeks." I giggle. The boney drunk's eyes narrow suspisiously. She had made so much money this week from me being too polite letting her walk all over me and I hadn't sold one dance that day. 

"I don't know what you mean but I like where this is going." said the man and with that she stood up and stormed off walking straight to the house mom. The funny part is I tip the house mom and she doesn't. I was told by a dancer sitting with them the house mom suggested to boney that she switch to water. That did it. Boney went back to the dressing room to wait for me telling anyone who would listen that I gave head for a hundred dollars and let guys finger me in the champagne room. I guess she was waiting to get in my face and try to fight me, to bad I was giving dances to that guy I stole from her. Boney threw all my stuff on my dressing room table, make-up, accessories and curling iron on to the floor and left early. House mom told me boney would receive a warning for it and told to stay away from me. I don't care at this point. She's on my last nerve. It's on.